Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How Clients Create Successful Change


When you decide to make a Big Life Change - career, weight, partners - you are quickly daunted by all the little changes the Big Change requires. . .and you don't like it!  It's why dreams fade unrealized and crummy jobs remain what we show up for each day.

My clients who make successful changes do the following:

1.  "Discipline is remembering what you want."  "Keep your eye on the prize."  Pick any folksy saying that appeals.  Clients decide what they want and stay focused on it.  They never lose sight of the destination.

2.  Have a bumper sticker.  In his book of the same name, Bob Meehan recommends having a symbol with you that reminds you of your goal.  It could be a safety pin, a buckeye you carry in your pocket, a 3 x 5 card with words you frequently review, a laminated photo of the family whose future you intend to improve.  One client had a Buddha.  I had a tiny stuffed bee (to remind me I had a BHAG (big hairy goal).  Another carried a small action toy.  Each time they saw it, it brought them again to center, where the dream and determination lived.

3.  Have a trusted other.  Is it spouse, friend, coach, spiritual director, group on the same path?  It's someone who cares to listen, to have your goal as shared desire, to prod, to encourage, to remind you:  You're great. . .and You can.  Keep going.

4.  Respect the time and distance, and look back once in awhile.  Important change always takes time, and it happens a class, a dollar, a step at a time; our culture doesn't wire us for that.  Life change can happen now on us, and we'd prefer that, in some ways.  Then we'd like to write the book about how THIS happened and we changed immediately; (but please, God, no pain or loss of limb, okay?)  Keep your head down, your spirits up; carry just enough courage for today, and move forward.  Keep track.  If it's a big project, list the to-dos on a white board and cross through as you complete pieces.  Re-meet with someone who can marvel at your progress and remind you to look back and see how far you've come.

5.  Be patient for half-time.  Much of your change misery lies in your beginnings, when you have all the journey to go.  You need the most cheerleaders here.  Once you hump over half, it's downhill. . .or at least there's more done than there is to go.

6.  Ditch the nay-sayers.  Some spouses and friends are great in change; others are frightened and want to pull you to the safer harbor they don't realize is no longer there for you.  Go to Tuesday coffee with people pitching in the same boat.  See your coach.  Don't talk to your parents unless they're firmly and helpfully on your team.  Be careful who you tell.

7.  Don't quit.  Especially as you begin, the world seems to conspire against your achieving.  Funding disappears.  No one says "yes" for informational interviews.  You can't find a part-time job.  Your credit card bills look scary.  Early-day roadblocks are absolutely predictable.  This is all a test of your determination.  Go back to Number 1:  Remember what you want; Number 3: Work with a trusted other; and Number 4:  Take it day by day.  Whatever you do, don't quit, if this means as much as your heart says it does.  As British Prime Minister Winston Churchill said at Harrow School in 1941: "Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never."

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