Myth of Knowing What You Want to Be

My client is angry.  "I DID all those exercises you gave me, and I STILL don't know what I want!"  She's a brilliant analyst, able to synthesize complex data and create impressive solutions. . .except when it came to her own career.  One reason was she had neglected to spread out those pages and see what conclusions she would draw from her own information.  There were two larger possibilities, however:  fear of deciding about herself and the possibility there might not be some one grand career for her.

Fear of Deciding

When we begin our work life, we seldom know what we want to be when we grow up.  We don't know our strengths, weaknesses, ambitions and capabilities because we haven't been in the work world to know.  And we certainly don't want to close off any options.  As we learn about ourselves we begin to understand what works for us and what doesn't; what we're willing to do and go for; what our "No's" are.  We also admit - with great reluctance - we may not be as ambitious as we thought we were. . .not that we'll reveal it in a performance evaluation!  The self-knowledge process can be delayed or stymied because we're afraid to admit who we are.  "I'm never going to be good at:  managing up, playing politics, filing, details, technology."  When you declare what you're good at, you can go for what will give you that and avoid situations that require doing what you're NOT good at.  We are fearful because we don't want to lose any opportunity.  Maturity is acknowledging:  "Here's who I am, strengths and weaknesses, dreams and limitations; and I'm going to live who I am."

Myth of the Grand Career

About three-fourths of new clients will tell me they want "to know what I want to be when I grow up," and as I've watched how few of them are willing to go through the self-analysis process or to go for what they want because of obligations or obstacles, I wonder if it isn't really a myth that there's ONE BIG THING we should be.  Some find a word for what they want:  doctor, lawyer, missionary.  So many of the rest of us live in less defined worlds of manager, sales rep, contract administrator.  It's not what we aspired to; it's what we became as we were waiting for the dream to show up.  What I know about doctors is they get MBAs so they can get out of restrictive medical environments.  Lawyers want the heck out of a punishing, boring field.  Missionaries want to be professional speakers.  In other words, few of us remotely know what we want to be when we grow up; and we live vaguely frustrated lives believing we should know, feeling we're not quite living up to our possibilities.

The Solution

What if we took a different look at our career?  Look at your life as lived thus far.  Did you have a clue ten years ago that you'd be doing THIS today?  Twenty years ago?  No way.  Some people are living what they want; I promise you, they're rare.  Maybe we should take a shorter view than the Career Grand Slam.

It's important to do that self-assessment, to know yourself, warts and all; to know what would make you happy.  Why don't you get as much of that into the job you have now?  Why don't you insist on it in career discussions with your manager?  "I'm happiest when I can be a subject matter expert working with higher levels in the company."  It gives management something to chew on rather than slot you anywhere as they've done to date.  Your indecision has been their convenience.  Change that dynamic.

Rather than staying frustratedly unaware of the Big Career Goal, what if you just decide and go for what's your right "Next."  For example, you love horses to your toes.  What if you move to Kentucky and get as close as you can, with your existing background and experience, to those stables and velvet muzzles?  A "Next" like this could be way more interesting than the program for the elderly that has you languishing.  I believe that if you keep living  toward your interesting "Next," you can eventually find yourself living in your Career Dream. 

The Conclusion

Know yourself, commit to giving yourself what makes you happy right where you are now, focus on your right "Next" and keep your antennae up so you'll recognize The Dream when it sneaks up on you.

References

You may be asking someone to write a reference for you; someone may be asking you to write a reference for them.  How is it done?  These are the steps:

1.  The letter should state:

            Who the reference is for - you.

            In what capacity they know you.

            How long?

2.  What did they observe about your strengths (have reference-writers focus on your behaviors)?  This covers things like drive, determination, reliability, intelligence, problem-solving abilities.  Can they give specific examples?

3.  What areas of improvement?  This one is a toss-up.  Some organizations ASK you to speak to this.  If not, let it be so the reference is all positive.

4.  Why you would be a good employee, student at their school, receiver of award, etc.

5.  Say they wholeheartedly recommend you.

6.  Send the reference to YOU unless you were asked to have it sent to the organization (give the reference-writer that information).

A few notes about the above:

1.  If the organization gives a specific format, have your references follow that.

2.  If this is a general reference - for employment, for example - have the letter-writers give you several copies on letterhead.  These are typically addressed:  To Whom It May Concern.

3.  Don't ask anyone whose letter won't be gung-ho.  The boss that fired you (a) may not be able to write a letter because company policies forbid it, but (b) who wants a letter from the guy who kicked you out the door?  Find someone else in the company.

4.  If you were fired but the company agreed to write a reference letter, birddog those drafts till you're happy with the content.  You don't want to be damned with faint praise.

5.  You can scan and email a reference, but snail mail is still a better idea.

Who do you ask for references?  Bosses (or clients) are best; former bosses if the current one drop-kicked you; co-workers; community leaders if they're known and know you well.  Students often use professors and the clergy; I was always less impressed by these than the fast food line cook you sweated next to while getting your degree.  The rule of thumb:  People who know well how you work and who are well known. . .an unbeatable combination.

What if one of your references asks YOU to write the reference letter?

The first time this happened to me, I was stunned.  Is that kosher?  I wrote the draft and have done it on numerous occasions, realizing that I was asking busy people to spend considerable time on what was more important to me than to them, a task they don't feel comfortable doing.  I would write the draft, send it to the reference, who always added to it (I don't toot my horn enough), finalized and sent it to me.  You may have have a sterner ethic about this - and some reference-seekers have declined to write their draft - but I believe in getting the job done, AND quality control.  You don't want to live with an ineptly crafted reference.

Young Kids at Home

Will a potential employer hold it against me because I have young children at home?

Yes, but employers have fears about employment candidates whether they're single or married. If you're single, they worry you'll get drunk after work, come in too late and show up the next day hung over and unproductive. If you're married with kids, they're afraid you'll be off work all the time taking them to doctors or hovering over fevered brows or coaching soccer. And if you're married without kids, they'll worry you haven't settled down and will run to another job for the slightest reason.

The point is, you can't win in the potential-employer-worry game. Just focus on presenting your best self.

You can choose not to say anything, but this is what you say in the interview, if you decide to talk about your children.  Employers are not supposed to ask if you have them, but most candidates bring it up. Once they do, the kids are fair game in the conversation, if the questions are work-related.  Talk about your arrangements for child care (which matters if the job requires travel), about sick care (if being on the job at particular times is vital), about car-pool (if the job has flex-hours). 

The more the employer feels you’ve anticipated and handled such situations, the more attractive you will seem for the job.

Living in Overwhelm with a Broccoli Spear

When big change or travail is upon you - working two jobs because the company won't replace. . .having an impossible project deadline. . .doing an extended, scary job search - most days you just want to slap somebody, or you walk around clutching a broccoli spear.

This was my friend who was giving a dinner party for 30.  "I'll do the seder this year," she bravely offered.  She called me in a panic at 10:00 AM the day of.  "Help!"  I grabbed two others and the three of us spent the next hours chopping, cooking, setting, getting it ready.  Anytime I saw her she was walking around, stunned, carrying the same broccoli spear.  She was in overwhelm.

If you find yourself similarly gripping a green vegetable, try these daily strategies to do your necessary work:

1.  Sing sad country songs, or whatever else helps you relieve stress:  Exercise, meditation, journaling, reading weepy historical fiction.  Take care of yourself so you can take care of everything else.

2.   Chunk it.  Divide your day into chunks, and work a chunk at a time.  You might plan by the hour what you'll do.  You could do my 1-2-3 method.  I pick three things I want to do in succession.  I do them.  I do another 1-2-3.  The day goes by and I've accomplished amid chaos.  Pray to be shown the next right thing.  Make a list.  Create little bites so you can eventually get that elephant eaten.

3.  Keep your eyes on your own work.  Move your focus from the larger world to JUST THIS.  Keep your eyes down so you don't see the dishes or vacuuming you'd rather do than make a networking call.  Turn off the television.  If it's Oprah, it distracts you from necessary work.  If it's news, it distresses you.  If you're at work, keep a whiteboard with your 1-2-3s in front of you.  Avoid what isn't mission-critical (you'll be tempted to do exactly the opposite).

4.  Sleep on it.  Exhaustion and worry can keep you awake, but put your bod in the bed early so you're at least resting.  If you've exercised during the day and meditated in the evening (not to mention your warm milk and honey before bedtime), you might have an easier time of it.

5.  Call somebody.  See your coach.  Find a friend you can call, just for five minutes, to vent, and then get back to work.  Go chase Bambi on November Saturdays with your pals.  That human connection can be magic when you're in overwhelm.

6.  Remember you'll get through this.  It has an end, and every day you're closer to it.  People who sell hear a lot of "No."  Successful sales people see a turndown as bringing them one step closer to "Yes."

You have good reasons to be in your emotional state.  Just remember you have more tricks than just broccoli spears in your kit bag.

How Clients Create Successful Change

When you decide to make a Big Life Change - career, weight, partners - you are quickly daunted by all the little changes the Big Change requires. . .and you don't like it!  It's why dreams fade unrealized and crummy jobs remain what we show up for each day.

My clients who make successful changes do the following:

1.  "Discipline is remembering what you want."  "Keep your eye on the prize."  Pick any folksy saying that appeals.  Clients decide what they want and stay focused on it.  They never lose sight of the destination.

2.  Have a bumper sticker.  In his book of the same name, Bob Meehan recommends having a symbol with you that reminds you of your goal.  It could be a safety pin, a buckeye you carry in your pocket, a 3 x 5 card with words you frequently review, a laminated photo of the family whose future you intend to improve.  One client had a Buddha.  I had a tiny stuffed bee (to remind me I had a BHAG (big hairy goal).  Another carried a small action toy.  Each time they saw it, it brought them again to center, where the dream and determination lived.

3.  Have a trusted other.  Is it spouse, friend, coach, spiritual director, group on the same path?  It's someone who cares to listen, to have your goal as shared desire, to prod, to encourage, to remind you:  You're great. . .and You can.  Keep going.

4.  Respect the time and distance, and look back once in awhile.  Important change always takes time, and it happens a class, a dollar, a step at a time; our culture doesn't wire us for that.  Life change can happen now on us, and we'd prefer that, in some ways.  Then we'd like to write the book about how THIS happened and we changed immediately; (but please, God, no pain or loss of limb, okay?)  Keep your head down, your spirits up; carry just enough courage for today, and move forward.  Keep track.  If it's a big project, list the to-dos on a white board and cross through as you complete pieces.  Re-meet with someone who can marvel at your progress and remind you to look back and see how far you've come.

5.  Be patient for half-time.  Much of your change misery lies in your beginnings, when you have all the journey to go.  You need the most cheerleaders here.  Once you hump over half, it's downhill. . .or at least there's more done than there is to go.

6.  Ditch the nay-sayers.  Some spouses and friends are great in change; others are frightened and want to pull you to the safer harbor they don't realize is no longer there for you.  Go to Tuesday coffee with people pitching in the same boat.  See your coach.  Don't talk to your parents unless they're firmly and helpfully on your team.  Be careful who you tell.

7.  Don't quit.  Especially as you begin, the world seems to conspire against your achieving.  Funding disappears.  No one says "yes" for informational interviews.  You can't find a part-time job.  Your credit card bills look scary.  Early-day roadblocks are absolutely predictable.  This is all a test of your determination.  Go back to Number 1:  Remember what you want; Number 3: Work with a trusted other; and Number 4:  Take it day by day.  Whatever you do, don't quit, if this means as much as your heart says it does.  As British Prime Minister Winston Churchill said at Harrow School in 1941: "Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never."

Are You Really Ready to Change?

You're thinking of a big life jump.  Are you up for changing?  Your daily life would suggest not.  Most of us want stability, a measure of security, foods we like, people we can depend on.  We work hard to build our world like that.  It gives us an underlying sense that we're okay.

Life, of course, throws blistering curve balls:  job loss, aging parents, teenagers to raise.  Now we don't feel so hot.  We tackle change like this with more resoluteness than joy.  We aren't sure what needs to be done.  It eats up our time.  We're afraid of both process and outcome.  But we deal with it because we have to.

Choosing to change has one additional hazard.  The universe isn't demanding it of us.  Your heart may not be wholly in it.  Our midnight resolution melts in the more demanding dawn.  Go on.  Test it.  Decide that, for one week, you'll brush your teeth with the other hand.  Feel the resistance, the meaninglessness of it, the pull of the more familiar? 

See what you face with change?  It's a kicker.  It's not easy.  Be prepared, as you venture into the new you're choosing, for the mule kick you and the universe will give your spirit.

Next blog:  How to change like my clients change.

Think Before You Go to a Recruiter

I dream I’m giving a speech to a convention of recruiters.   They rise and applaud as I approach the dais, wiping away tears of gratitude.  Why?  I had persuaded job seekers to STOP CALLING THEM.  Then I awake, go to work, and the first client of the day asks, “Should I go see a headhunter?”  The dream fades.

That question really means:  “Please direct me to someone who will do the work FOR me so I don’t have to.”  It doesn't work that way. Search firms work for the client, not you. You can't go to a recruiter and say, "Gee, I thought if I could look at the jobs you have, I could figure out which ones I’m qualified for.” They’ll take the resume and smile sweetly; but if you don't look like a job order they already have, it hits the round file when you leave.

If you’re a garden-variety worker, most recruiters aren’t interested in you.  They get paid between 10 and 35% of the hired recruit’s first year’s salary.  Companies don't spend money like that unless they can’t find candidates, or they’re rushed to make a huge hire or they don’t have the staff to do it.  Plus, most recruiters specialize in one or two areas:  computer programs, creative people, human resource managers, CEOs.  Their attitude is, as executive searcher Annie Gray told me, “Don’t call me.  I’ll find you.” They troll their sources:  directories, former placements, friends, colleagues, source-filled Rolodexes, and the Internet.  Sourcing is an art, and hard, hard work.  Their fees are called “contingency” (they get paid only if they find someone) or “retained” (they get paid for presenting qualified candidates.)  A few work on an hourly basis. 

  

Some employment firms ask the job seeker to pay a fee, usually several thousand dollars.  These are bottom feeders who go after the unskilled, unsophisticated, desperate or lazy job seeker.  They don't produce the desired result, though their hand is out for your ready cash.  The dog work remains yours to do.

If you want to use a recruiter, do your work first.  What kind of job are you seeking?  Which recruiters specialize in what you do?  Tell the recruiter about yourself in 20 seconds. You might get lucky and become a candidate, but only if you're a hard-to-find candidate who called the right firm.  Statistics say only10% of seekers get a job through recruiters. The grind is yours:   figuring out what you want, making networking calls, scouring the want ads, trolling the internet and scrambling to get an interview. 

It ain’t glamorous, but the process works.  I'm actually encouraged when clients ask me about headhunters.  I've learned it's their last hopeful swipe at the easier way before they get down to the serious business of job hunting.