I was beginning to write a mystery called Murder in the Orphanage. The murder victim was to be the priest who ran it. I asked my brothers and sisters what they remembered about "Father Joe" during the years we spent in an orphanage. Turns out they didn't remember much, but they loved the project and it became the topic of enthusiastic conversation among us. Where would the murder weapon be hidden? Who would solve the mystery? How could people we knew be woven into it. They were INVOLVED and called regularly with fun new ideas.
The book may never get written, and here's why. I asked too soon for input. The process of beginning to write is tentative and lonely. I'm both timid and highly "influencible" before I get myself straight in my own mind. I'm as tender as a newly emerging butterfly, able to be trounced by enthusiasts before my meaning has hardened. I don't belong to a writers' group because THEIR thoughts begin to write MY piece. I don't show my stuff till a first draft is done because everyone's an editor. They would use MY writing as a dress form for what THEY would want to write. I've learned it's better to huddle in my writer's garret till I'm ready for the twin beams of comment and criticism to hit my creation.
You are like me as you decide to take steps toward a new you, whether it's a business or a job or an education. You probably talk about your idea before it's fully formed, and let family and friends pull it apart, leaving it a twisted little heap you quickly abandon. Everyone has a different opinion about what's best for you, and too often they're really giving YOU the advice they would give THEMSELVES if they were in your situation. It's not truly about you. Actually, we sometimes deliberately tell others too soon so they can talk us out of that scary thing.
Why would you hand your life to others to shape? You might think it helps you to get input from others, but it mostly confuses you because the counsel conflicts. Why not spend time with yourself instead? Find out what YOU want and why and how it would work. Go for a walk and talk to yourself. Write out what you're thinking of doing so you get to the core of your meaning. This is different than simply mulling over the idea when you go around in circles. Get INTO where you want to head. THEN invite others in.
You could also talk to someone like me, whose only agenda is to help you get what you want. I'm not your aunt or your father's secretary who just KNOWS what would be best for you. Even with me, you'd have to do difficult heart work to find that fire in your center of what you want to be next.
Don't be the twisted little heap lying next to the wreckage of my unwritten mystery. Scurry to your garret and begin to explore your heart's desire.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
When Fear Stops You
Everyone else around you seems so brave; the truth is we ALL get stopped by our fears. You are not alone. Some of us are just better at faking it, OR we've adopted tricks that get us to begin acting. That first small action is the threshold to courage. Try these and see if they help.
1. Write your name on a paper. (borrowed from Alan Lakein)
You have a project that feels too big. What CAN you do? Write your name at the top of the paper. What else? The title of the project. What else? The names of the sections. Before you know it, you'll be IN it, the fear abated.
2. Begin where you can.
I was beginning to write my doctoral dissertation. Scary. I had on a white board a listing of its five chapters and the sections in each. Each day I looked for my courage there. Where DID I feel competent to write? And I started there. By the time I got to the scariest parts, my courage muscle was flexing nicely, and I could do them.
3. Do what you're willing to do.
A client was paralyzed in making a step toward finding a new job. . .a first phone call she'd been putting off. We discovered she was more willing to send an e-mail than make the call because less fear lived there, but that e-mail set the contact in motion and she was on her way.
4. Make a commitment to an accountability buddy.
It's possible at the deadline you set with your buddy to complete a thing you might say, "Didn't do it." But the odds are pretty high that, because you've agreed to report to someone, your sense of responsibility will nudge you to action. We want to look good in another's eyes, and that sense drives our behavior.
5. Set up a meeting.
If you're involved in a project with others, schedule a meeting to review progress. This is your burn-the-boats strategy. If you have to report your progress (or hear about others'), you may be putting in late nights just ahead of the deadline, but you won't walk into the meeting room empty-handed.
6. Model it for someone else.
Do you have a child who's afraid of doing something? You need to model courage, to demonstrate how we behave when gripped with fear, how we DO rather than freezing in place. A child's eyes on you can be a powerful motivator for YOU to act despite being afraid.
Action conquers fear, and most achievement comes from taking baby steps. Courage happens as a result of taking action; it doesn't precede it. Find where your willingness lives. Find any technique that gets you to move. . .and move.
1. Write your name on a paper. (borrowed from Alan Lakein)
You have a project that feels too big. What CAN you do? Write your name at the top of the paper. What else? The title of the project. What else? The names of the sections. Before you know it, you'll be IN it, the fear abated.
2. Begin where you can.
I was beginning to write my doctoral dissertation. Scary. I had on a white board a listing of its five chapters and the sections in each. Each day I looked for my courage there. Where DID I feel competent to write? And I started there. By the time I got to the scariest parts, my courage muscle was flexing nicely, and I could do them.
3. Do what you're willing to do.
A client was paralyzed in making a step toward finding a new job. . .a first phone call she'd been putting off. We discovered she was more willing to send an e-mail than make the call because less fear lived there, but that e-mail set the contact in motion and she was on her way.
4. Make a commitment to an accountability buddy.
It's possible at the deadline you set with your buddy to complete a thing you might say, "Didn't do it." But the odds are pretty high that, because you've agreed to report to someone, your sense of responsibility will nudge you to action. We want to look good in another's eyes, and that sense drives our behavior.
5. Set up a meeting.
If you're involved in a project with others, schedule a meeting to review progress. This is your burn-the-boats strategy. If you have to report your progress (or hear about others'), you may be putting in late nights just ahead of the deadline, but you won't walk into the meeting room empty-handed.
6. Model it for someone else.
Do you have a child who's afraid of doing something? You need to model courage, to demonstrate how we behave when gripped with fear, how we DO rather than freezing in place. A child's eyes on you can be a powerful motivator for YOU to act despite being afraid.
Action conquers fear, and most achievement comes from taking baby steps. Courage happens as a result of taking action; it doesn't precede it. Find where your willingness lives. Find any technique that gets you to move. . .and move.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
5 Questions for Thinking about Your Next Job
Are you pondering a next job? Have you lost yours and thinking that what you left just might not be what you want for the new job? Getting answers about yourself might be useful.
You must begin with you. You are unique, and while we share similarities, you are a unique combination of qualities, dreams, desires, capabilities. That makes it difficult for others to help you sometimes because they don't have your answers, though they love dictating them. Don't you love your game of rejecting those suggestions because they didn't fit? You, in your quiet moments, with your quivery and unsure self, are the doorway to answers for yourself.
"But I think about this constantly!" an out-of-work client will tell me, who confesses "I don't know!" to questions I'd posed earlier. Ruminating is almost the same thing as asking others for your life direction. You avoid the hard work of digging for a solution.
You'd be surprised how close you are to insight if you'll WORK with basic questions about what's next. Sit with a trusted other (friend, coach, spiritual advisor) who will hold your feet to fire and not let you wiggle away from the discomfort of discovery. Let them ask you these questions. Or, sit with a pencil (computer only as a last resort and only if you can access your heart from a keyboard) and begin writing. AND, to keep you from scooting away from the assignment, make yourself accountable to someone to report your answers.
The questions:
1. How long can I live without making money?
It may be weeks or months. What resources do you have? Savings? Unemployment? Severance? Loans from family members? This gives you a picture of how much time you can give to explore possibilities.
2. What does work mean to me right now?
What have you been focused on? How ambitious have you been? How have you changed? Are you still seeking what you once did (position, money, influence), or are you now seeking a lifestyle, fun, hard work that's more in line with who you are?
3. How much money do I need to make?
An exhausted client, eager for a better vista, realized she could live on half of what she'd been making, AND was okay with that. If you have kids headed for college, your viewpoint may be quite different.
4. If I adopt a WTF attitude, what are five things I might consider doing, or places I'd like to work?
If there were no obstacles, what might you pursue? One client may realize he wants to build fine furniture, another to sell antiques. You might simply realize that you can have a job like the one you're vacating, but need to have a creative outlet in your free time.
5. Who are 10 people I can talk to about what I want next?
We all live in ruts because, frankly, they're comfortable and predictable. The trouble is you become not-the-me-I-want-to-be. Still, it's hard to stretch out, to change. Talking to others forces our thought process deeper, maybe causes us to abandon that emigration to Aruba, but definitely expands us, lets in fresh air, gives us additional ideas, gets us moving.
Even if you return to what you had before, changing jobs is an opportunity for you to explore being more of who you really are. Have active conversation with your deepest self, then act to test and move toward what you want. These questions provide a good beginning.
You must begin with you. You are unique, and while we share similarities, you are a unique combination of qualities, dreams, desires, capabilities. That makes it difficult for others to help you sometimes because they don't have your answers, though they love dictating them. Don't you love your game of rejecting those suggestions because they didn't fit? You, in your quiet moments, with your quivery and unsure self, are the doorway to answers for yourself.
"But I think about this constantly!" an out-of-work client will tell me, who confesses "I don't know!" to questions I'd posed earlier. Ruminating is almost the same thing as asking others for your life direction. You avoid the hard work of digging for a solution.
You'd be surprised how close you are to insight if you'll WORK with basic questions about what's next. Sit with a trusted other (friend, coach, spiritual advisor) who will hold your feet to fire and not let you wiggle away from the discomfort of discovery. Let them ask you these questions. Or, sit with a pencil (computer only as a last resort and only if you can access your heart from a keyboard) and begin writing. AND, to keep you from scooting away from the assignment, make yourself accountable to someone to report your answers.
The questions:
1. How long can I live without making money?
It may be weeks or months. What resources do you have? Savings? Unemployment? Severance? Loans from family members? This gives you a picture of how much time you can give to explore possibilities.
2. What does work mean to me right now?
What have you been focused on? How ambitious have you been? How have you changed? Are you still seeking what you once did (position, money, influence), or are you now seeking a lifestyle, fun, hard work that's more in line with who you are?
3. How much money do I need to make?
An exhausted client, eager for a better vista, realized she could live on half of what she'd been making, AND was okay with that. If you have kids headed for college, your viewpoint may be quite different.
4. If I adopt a WTF attitude, what are five things I might consider doing, or places I'd like to work?
If there were no obstacles, what might you pursue? One client may realize he wants to build fine furniture, another to sell antiques. You might simply realize that you can have a job like the one you're vacating, but need to have a creative outlet in your free time.
5. Who are 10 people I can talk to about what I want next?
We all live in ruts because, frankly, they're comfortable and predictable. The trouble is you become not-the-me-I-want-to-be. Still, it's hard to stretch out, to change. Talking to others forces our thought process deeper, maybe causes us to abandon that emigration to Aruba, but definitely expands us, lets in fresh air, gives us additional ideas, gets us moving.
Even if you return to what you had before, changing jobs is an opportunity for you to explore being more of who you really are. Have active conversation with your deepest self, then act to test and move toward what you want. These questions provide a good beginning.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
You Can't Overcome the Visual
I was helping a client company evaluate service firms. Two among the contending vendors stand out. The first was a distinguished man in a three-piece suit and a crisp white shirt. Another firm sent two men, each the head of his respective department. One wore a rumpled camel jacket; the second badly needed a haircut. Guess which firm got the business? Distinguished Guy.
The decision was based on his skill, success history and the interest Distinguished Guy displayed in the client's company. But the rumpled guys, despite a high recommendation from a respected professional, never had a chance. Here's why:
1. You can't overcome the visual. Always present yourself in your best light. The garb of one contender who came in shirtsleeves and leather pants telegraphed to the client, "I don't want this contract;" he didn't merit a second thought.
2. Don't assume. Rumpled Guys knew the client's company was plain as toast and had several others like it on their client list, but they assumed a more casual look would be okay. It wasn't. They're in a business that requires exquisite care, and their "Sunday brunch at the Holiday Inn" outfits didn't convey that.
3. Dress one level up when you're making a sales call, giving a speech or trying to impress a potential client or employer. You can dress AT the same level as those you'll call on, but make sure you look as clean and crisp as iceberg lettuce. You STILL have to look a bit sharper than those you'll meet.
4. Don't guess. If you're in doubt, call ahead. If business casual is the order of the day, your Armani suit may be as off-putting as the rumpled apparel was. You never lose points by doing research.
These two firms were among a half dozen who made presentations. Most representatives wore the appropriate haberdashery, though they lacked the Total Package the client was seeking. Distinguished Guy made the sale because the client believed in his competence and his brain; and felt "I will matter" to this firm. . .all of which was underscored in how DG presented himself to the selection committee.
You could argue about the superficiality of making a decision based on how someone dresses, that the client might have overlooked genius because of a three-piece suit. But this is business. You put on the costume of whatever game you signed up for. NOT to do so is to thumb your nose at the team you claim you want to join. Remember Leather Guy.
We are a society DRIVEN by the visual. Remember that if you think your leather pants may be just the ticket for your next business call.
The decision was based on his skill, success history and the interest Distinguished Guy displayed in the client's company. But the rumpled guys, despite a high recommendation from a respected professional, never had a chance. Here's why:
1. You can't overcome the visual. Always present yourself in your best light. The garb of one contender who came in shirtsleeves and leather pants telegraphed to the client, "I don't want this contract;" he didn't merit a second thought.
2. Don't assume. Rumpled Guys knew the client's company was plain as toast and had several others like it on their client list, but they assumed a more casual look would be okay. It wasn't. They're in a business that requires exquisite care, and their "Sunday brunch at the Holiday Inn" outfits didn't convey that.
3. Dress one level up when you're making a sales call, giving a speech or trying to impress a potential client or employer. You can dress AT the same level as those you'll call on, but make sure you look as clean and crisp as iceberg lettuce. You STILL have to look a bit sharper than those you'll meet.
4. Don't guess. If you're in doubt, call ahead. If business casual is the order of the day, your Armani suit may be as off-putting as the rumpled apparel was. You never lose points by doing research.
These two firms were among a half dozen who made presentations. Most representatives wore the appropriate haberdashery, though they lacked the Total Package the client was seeking. Distinguished Guy made the sale because the client believed in his competence and his brain; and felt "I will matter" to this firm. . .all of which was underscored in how DG presented himself to the selection committee.
You could argue about the superficiality of making a decision based on how someone dresses, that the client might have overlooked genius because of a three-piece suit. But this is business. You put on the costume of whatever game you signed up for. NOT to do so is to thumb your nose at the team you claim you want to join. Remember Leather Guy.
We are a society DRIVEN by the visual. Remember that if you think your leather pants may be just the ticket for your next business call.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Forward and Gotta
How do you know what to tackle in a day? Methods abound (see below). "Forward and Gotta" is one.
"Gotta" is where most of us live. . . the things we gotta get done today: meetings, administrivia and calls; driving carpool and shopping for dinner. They're tasks worth listing and working at; but they control us. If the "Gotta" list is our sole focus, we wind up living a "default" life; we haven't moved our dreams or projects forward one iota, just shoveled the stuff of our life around.
"Forward" is where achievement lies. . .Making the marketing call that could turn into a sale; completing the college application; setting up a networking meeting. It's the task that moves you towards getting what's important to you. . .the job, money or fame. It's also an uncomfortable place; the more challenging to-do, with a less predictable outcome. Risk lives here, with its possibility for "no."
Try making a daily list, with two columns: "Gotta" and "Forward" head each one. The questions to ask are: (a) What do I have to get done today? and (b) What will move me forward? You're the best judge of forward. "Going to the art museum" sounds banal, but if you're writing a mystery about a murder in an art museum; it's important research and item for the "Forward" list. Your gut knows; follow it.
Make time to do "Forward" every day, probably morning, before the day gets snatched away. "Gotta" has a huge appetite and chomps up the hours. But "Forward." Ah. . .the realization of dreams lives there. You'll also feel you've had a better day if something that mattered to you got done in it.
Other "get it done" methods:
Stephen Covey: Has a quadrant with these headings:
Not urgent but important
Urgent and important;
Urgent but not important
Not urgent and not important
His point is that we should work on "Not urgent but important."
Alan Lakein: Organize all your tasks under A (important), B (not so important) or C (ho-hum). Focus your best energy on completing the "A" area's tasks; use your lowest-energy times on the "C" jobs.
Another: Each day write down the 5 most important things you have to do and complete the first, then the second, and so on. You'll always be completing critical tasks.
"Gotta" is where most of us live. . . the things we gotta get done today: meetings, administrivia and calls; driving carpool and shopping for dinner. They're tasks worth listing and working at; but they control us. If the "Gotta" list is our sole focus, we wind up living a "default" life; we haven't moved our dreams or projects forward one iota, just shoveled the stuff of our life around.
"Forward" is where achievement lies. . .Making the marketing call that could turn into a sale; completing the college application; setting up a networking meeting. It's the task that moves you towards getting what's important to you. . .the job, money or fame. It's also an uncomfortable place; the more challenging to-do, with a less predictable outcome. Risk lives here, with its possibility for "no."
Try making a daily list, with two columns: "Gotta" and "Forward" head each one. The questions to ask are: (a) What do I have to get done today? and (b) What will move me forward? You're the best judge of forward. "Going to the art museum" sounds banal, but if you're writing a mystery about a murder in an art museum; it's important research and item for the "Forward" list. Your gut knows; follow it.
Make time to do "Forward" every day, probably morning, before the day gets snatched away. "Gotta" has a huge appetite and chomps up the hours. But "Forward." Ah. . .the realization of dreams lives there. You'll also feel you've had a better day if something that mattered to you got done in it.
Other "get it done" methods:
Stephen Covey: Has a quadrant with these headings:
Not urgent but important
Urgent and important;
Urgent but not important
Not urgent and not important
His point is that we should work on "Not urgent but important."
Alan Lakein: Organize all your tasks under A (important), B (not so important) or C (ho-hum). Focus your best energy on completing the "A" area's tasks; use your lowest-energy times on the "C" jobs.
Another: Each day write down the 5 most important things you have to do and complete the first, then the second, and so on. You'll always be completing critical tasks.
Monday, January 18, 2010
For Want of a Thank You Note
Remember the nursery rhyme "For want of a nail"? The shoe was lost, all was lost because a nail was lacking (see below).
A friend lost his job in an industry where the shelf life of employees is shorter than milk; and he lasted about twice as long before being downsized. I was beginning to ask another friend if she would network with him when she essentially told me to talk to the hand. She'd helped him get his just-lost job; and he had never sent a thank-you note. Years later, she was still frosted about it. You just don't DO that in the executive world.
His not writing one surprised me because he whips out a note if you dump the burger wrappers for him at the mall eatery. But it was clear that today he has NO access to the best-connected person in his field. All for want of a thank-you note.
In challenging times, things matter more; like being precisely qualified, telling the truth on resumes, and crafting thank-you notes. This is not the time to be lax in minding your manners.
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a nail.
A friend lost his job in an industry where the shelf life of employees is shorter than milk; and he lasted about twice as long before being downsized. I was beginning to ask another friend if she would network with him when she essentially told me to talk to the hand. She'd helped him get his just-lost job; and he had never sent a thank-you note. Years later, she was still frosted about it. You just don't DO that in the executive world.
His not writing one surprised me because he whips out a note if you dump the burger wrappers for him at the mall eatery. But it was clear that today he has NO access to the best-connected person in his field. All for want of a thank-you note.
In challenging times, things matter more; like being precisely qualified, telling the truth on resumes, and crafting thank-you notes. This is not the time to be lax in minding your manners.
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a nail.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Don't Let Go
You've settled for a less-than job. You feel you'll be trapped here forever because you need this little bit of money and those few benefit dollars. You watch more of your family members get unemployment handed to them, and you wonder what's the purpose of holding on to your dream. Today is dreary, tomorrow's likely the same. Where are the polished shoes and crisp shirts you love. . .and the work that didn't make you feel ashamed to say you're doing?
Don't let go of your dream. As bad as it is, this awful is truly temporary. BELIEVE it, so you have a reason to leap into your rut today and your next today. If you focus on the awful NOW, that's the same future you'll create, minute by dreary minute. Your decision to take on this work has a kind of nobility to it, giving you a fineness of character, a moral muscle that will stand you in good stead down the road. You're not the first who's stepped down into bagging groceries, driving a boat, swinging a hammer, pulling blood samples; nor are you different/better than those who happily do it the whole year long. You're just here. . .for now.
What will get you through is to remember the dream, and to polish the shoes and to keep the search effort going while you proudly plunk that paycheck on the kitchen table. This is a bad time. Don't make it the end of your world. Stay away from cynicism, bitterness and defeat, and the people who court them. Keep looking toward the dream and what it promises, and do something today to remind yourself of its importance.
The dream deferred is not the dream denied.
Don't let go of your dream. As bad as it is, this awful is truly temporary. BELIEVE it, so you have a reason to leap into your rut today and your next today. If you focus on the awful NOW, that's the same future you'll create, minute by dreary minute. Your decision to take on this work has a kind of nobility to it, giving you a fineness of character, a moral muscle that will stand you in good stead down the road. You're not the first who's stepped down into bagging groceries, driving a boat, swinging a hammer, pulling blood samples; nor are you different/better than those who happily do it the whole year long. You're just here. . .for now.
What will get you through is to remember the dream, and to polish the shoes and to keep the search effort going while you proudly plunk that paycheck on the kitchen table. This is a bad time. Don't make it the end of your world. Stay away from cynicism, bitterness and defeat, and the people who court them. Keep looking toward the dream and what it promises, and do something today to remind yourself of its importance.
The dream deferred is not the dream denied.
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