Serve, but Use Your Oxygen Mask

You know what you have learned about selflessness: It's better to give than to receive; do for others. We all know of someone's sainted mother who scrubbed floors and took in sewing so her baby could go to college, and she without a nice dress to wear.

After a lifetime of observing people's behavior and becoming more convinced of the value of service to others, I believe we mostly get it wrong in our efforts to live up to that ideal. Who makes it past the first day in Lent when the promise is to give up candy for 40 days? What New Year's resolution gets the high-five of accomplishment at year's end? What evening reverie about helping the poor makes it past our morning coffee?

We take the road to selflessness and service in the wrong way. How do I know? The airlines teach me so. On any flight, the attendant makes the same announcement: If we lose cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop down. Place it over your nose and mouth and breathe deeply. If you're traveling with small children, place the mask over your face first, then the child's. In other words, help yourself first because if you don't, you could quickly lose consciousness, thereby hurting both you and the child.

To put it another way: Be of service to others, but help yourself first. By that I mean you must decide what's in it for you before you'll be willing to be selfless. If you ask do-gooders why they do it, they will almost always tell you they get a powerful personal return. The man who gives up beer for Lent, or the family who fasts during the month of Ramadan — they want a sense of mastery over their bodies. Mother Teresa doing her thankless tasks for the dying poor in Calcutta — she felt Jesus had commanded her. The Holocaust doctor puzzled by the honors she's receiving for saving lives in a World War II concentration camp — her motivation was to save her own life.

This isn't the prettiest side of selflessness because it has such a selfish twist. But I promise you, you'll be able to serve more, and with a gladder heart if you grab your oxygen mask first and know what's in it for you to be good.